Moving

This will either be the best or worst decision of my life. And I can't wait to find out


- love Whitney

I miss my friendship with will.

I needed a mental decluttering. But I still feel cluttered


- love Whitney

The longer I wait to move, the more lazy complacent depressed anxious and derailed I get

- love Whitney

I'm so scared about moving. And that's why I'm pushing to move so soon- I just want to get it over with and jump in head first. The longer I wait I start to reflect on my choices and doubt I'm making the right decision to move.

I'm scared of:
Not getting a job
Spending all my savings
Being broke and having to move home
Leaving my parents
Being a failure
Leaving possible opportunities in southern california


- love Whitney

Dad is in the hospital again


- love Whitney

Moving forward

So I'm done. Being ignored is over. Efforts to manipulate or make me feel small are done. Hypocrisy is irritating

I've deleted them all out of my phone book. I threw the numbers away and didn't look back.

I'm mad
I worked for months trying to conduct a friendship by a certain set of rules that apparently apply only to me. I'm not upset about the change in status, upset that I feel used and that it was expected I wouldn't have feelings about it. I wouldn't be affected? Times that were deamed "busy", were they really?
I didnt get the decency or respect to Talk about our communication on this or reveal that some how the rules were called off. No, I've been living a tip toed life and news was nonchalantly dropped in a conversation. My feelings matter that little? You didn't think I'd care? Fine. Now I know what ur really busy with all the time.

I wrote this to vent. And to release it. I'm done

Time to move away and start over
I always dreamt of disappearing one day, deleting my phone and not telling anyone when I left. Then to live as just a memory. A fleeting thought now and again. Somehow that sounds blissful. I dunno if I'll do it, but that dream is there



- love Whitney

Everyone keeps telling me how miserable I seem. I dont know whats going on or what's wrong. Is it me? Is it my situation? I've been feeling like this so long I dont remember my old self anymore. I'm stuck, suspended in jello with toothpicks being jabbed at me. I can't talk to anyone without getting in a fight. Especially my parents. I wanna be more than this but I don't know how

And lastly a picfrom my vacation


- love Whitney

i feel like he doesnt want to talk to me anymore
i feel like hes done

i thought it was positive

i dunno all this is gonna be hard and i need support to get through it. if he cant support me with this i dont know if its worth going through.

i feel alone

I started a new site to keep track of my methods and findings for my Economic Impact Study:

www.economicimpactpomona.tumblr.com

so be in honor of being truthful on the internet heres my tribute to being truthful.

Colorful day

- love Whitney

addict

having anxiety and panic disorder makes me feel like an addict.  

its a monkey on my back that creates more harm than good

after a panic attack i get a tremendous high and sometimes when i feel anxiety i let a panic attack happen just to feel the relief of that high, even for a few minutes.  its like im floating

when i have a panic attack  after a long while i feel like ive fallen off the wagon, its a relapse.

we work on relapse prevention alot in group

group

like AA

talk

share our darkest times,

our darkest thoughts

and when it got the worst

it triggers the past

we fire

release our thoughts

it triggers something within

it hits that point you swore youd never touch

where you never wanted to visit

where you locked away and wouldnt admit it existed

it touched that place

and your body shook

it touched it and shook it and crushed it and broke it and 

it leaked out

and you cried

and i listened

and i cried

and we swore never to let it hurt again

we felt alone

we felt darkness

we felt lost in the dark

we didnt reach for a hand

we just felt lost together

that was enough

group

it was there, he was there, we were there

Peeps Forever

OMG best idea EVER!!!!!!

Peep S'mores!

yummmmm! 

  i cant wait to try them

Here are other peep creations to inspire you:

Peep Art, from Carroll County Arts Council

 :  omg this is really for real

Sweet Jesus

( Courtesy of the Carroll Community Arts Council )

Meet the Princess of Peeps.

Justin Peeper

Green Peeps?  ahahahaha

Jersey Peeps

the "Peeples"

Chick Magnet

and lastly one of my creations:

i made this for my dad a few years ago.. its the vietnam vet colors... 

what other creation can you make?

and one last image that i was super obsessed with in high school... i dunno i thought it was really funny

Happy Easter!

www.diddit.com?    hmm i have to investigate

...time passing....

and upon investigation this site totally sucks.. dont go to it

better days

so i got this holter moniter yesterday to track the skipped beats and other weird stuff i was feeling in my chest.  even though my panic is sever and i really think im having a heart attack at the time, i dont think there is anything structurally wrong with my heart... or at least i want to believe that.  i think im just overly sensitive to everything i feel in my body.  but either way my new doctor wants to be really thorough to make sure no one was overlooking a really problem.  after all, she was the doctor that discovered my mom had cancer - she was the first doctor in 4 months to read my moms entire chart.  so if she wants to give me a monitor just in case, im ok with it.   problem is, now it brings more attention to my heart and its activity.  bleh  .. and the people who gave it to me said i have to wear it for 30 days!! so long.. but hopefully ill just get used to it really fast and not even know its there!    the only thing that bugs me is i have a sticker up on my collar bone and everytime i move my head or arm it pulls on the sticker just a lil so i just feel it all the time.  i wish i could just rip it off!

and on a happier note, im feeling happier! hehe ive been looking up lots of crafts and seeing friends, even with panic attacks here and there and ive just been feeling waaaay better which is super exciting.

my new favorite website is   More Design Please

its the perfect combo of art, crafts, food and decor.. alll things i loooooovee!  so check it out!
hopefully ill try one of the craft things soon

oh and rememeber that colorful egg garland i posted a few days ago?  ive been slowly making it and hopefully will finish it and hang it up today.. wohooo!

-whit

Crafting and watching anchorman with friends. Can't get much better


- love Whitney

Song

Deep inside of you - third eye blind


- love Whitney

I'm scared all the time


- love Whitney

Lazy Sunday

I'm really bummed that I'm not gonna see will this weekend. I think I put too much on that trip, when I feel stressed I was telling myself that it's ok I'll see will in a week. Now that in not all that stress and depression I was pushing off seems to be flooding back. It's more than that I cant see my friend, it's that I don't have something to look forward to.

And I wish I wasn't afraid to fly. Anyone have tips?


- love Whitney

Saturday morning cartoons!

.... or browsing the web obsessively.

Heres what i found today:

Hilarious Royal Wedding garb (i secretly want all the gloves though)








Fun totes with clever verbage

Printable tattoo paper

Cute Valentine cards

Colorful Easter garland! (i really want to make this today!!!)

Awesome Envelopes (not gonna lie, looks like alot of work :/ )

And this dress that im completely in love with

egh, ringing in my ears again.. 

AAANNNDD:  goals for today: 

1. do some cleaning
2. try 2 new recipes (im hooked on trying to find a good pad see ew recipe and creamed corn recipe) i know they dont go together but ive been having weird food cravings
3. do some homework to work ahead in anticipation of my possible trip up north
4. and lastly, finally make a work plan for the class that i have to take an incomplete in.  my teacher said she will only grant me an incomplete if i make a schedule of when things are do for the summer.  its stressful only because i feel like i really dont know what im doing in this project, i feel like im way over my head.  but i have to do it cause i really just want to graduate!!!! ugh

Out and about

saw this on Ryans drive way. it let me get sooo close!
- love Whitney

I recently got some new nail polish colors so I've been going nuts!










Also I'm sitting in city council meeting for rancho cucamonga right now. My dad is playing a video tonight to uncover some foul play in city gov. My dad loves volunteerism and civic service as well as protesting and advocating for veteran support

Also April in rancho is child abuse prevention month. :(

- love Whitney

Location:Pretty nails and council meeting

Working out with anxiety

Omg best breakfast ever:
Peach light and fit yogurt
Half of a sliced banana cut into rounds
Spoonful of sugar free cool whip
Half cup multigrain cherrios

Sooo good and really good for u too


Also, big news I started working out yay!!
Except my anxiety has been waaay high. This perplexed me cause I've always heard exercise helps reduce anxiety. So what gives?

2 reasons why:
1. Things u feel when u exercise like increased heart rate, sweating, hard breathing, light headedness etc. Is super similar to a panic attack or other anxiety symptoms. Ur body has a memory and sees these things happen and connect them with anxiety. This can induce panic! What u need to do is work on telling urself that ur ok while u work out and (I think) that the more u do it your body will start to believe you and won't panic about it

2. Other reason is lactic acid build up. (can u tell I've been reading alot this morning). Studies have shown that people with high anxiety have higher levels of lactic acid in their body than others due to constant tense muscles and diet. Higher levels of lactic acid can actually increase anxiety and panic. So when we exercise and build up MORE lactic acid then we can be nervous for hours afterward. Crazy!!! So what can u do? Still figuring this out but some say to focus on light exercise only like walks etc. I'm hoping that the more I work out at moderate levels, my body will get in better shape ad produce less lactic acid so I'm gonna try to tough it out for a bit and see if it gets better. Other things that help is massage since it pushes lactic acid out of your muscles and changing diet. Apparently diets high in refined sugar, carbs and dairy and low in hydration can increase lactic acid in your body, so reducing these and drinking more water can decrease lactic acid and decrease ur anxiety.

Those are my tips.

I just got super bummed that I've been trying to get healthy and work out more but it's making my anxiety high. Arghhhh!


- love Whitney

Sick

So I've been sick for forever now and I'm finally getting better, Despite the allergic reaction to benadryl I had last night. But now I'm totally behind on alot of my hw. Aaaannnd next week is midterms. Which is weird cause ive been so sick I forgot all about them. So it feels like my tests have just snuck out of nowhere.

Bleh so stress n stuff

Sometimes I feel like I'm nuts

- love Whitney

hum

my favorite part of my day is late at night, 2/3 o clock, when my mom is downstairs alone cleaning or washing dishes, i can hear her humming and singing to herself.  its not that i like her cleaning its that i love her humming.  its a blissful moment she has where she thinks no one is around and no one hears her.  i asked her about it once, she didnt even know she did it.  it just pours out of her.  its my favorite thing about my mom and she had no idea.  she didnt do it for a year when she got sick.. but recently i could hear her humming again late at night.

im scared of losing my parents.

Recipe of the day #1

Pizza Eggs!!!

one of my favorite breakfasts is pizza eggs
its a great meal that uses leftover pizza and tastes amazing!!  just think of it as an easy omelet!

Ingredients:
1 slice pizza
2 eggs
1 tab of butter

Directions:

1. cut pizza into 1/2 in cubes
2. heat sauté pan with butter and add diced pizza
3. when pizza is heated and cheese is starting to melt, then add eggs
4. scramble together until cooked
5. serve!!!

Serves: 2 (or one really hungry person)

omg its soo good

aw man.. i found another version of this recipe where else but   StonerFood.com

Camera wishes and digital dreams

 Project 365 has totally been a success! ive been taking pictures everyday (although really bad about posting them..i promise ill try to be better) and it really is helping me become a better photographer.  but today tragedy struck, i realized i know enough about my camera now to want *gasp* accessories!   its the beginning of my downfall.  anyone who knows me or has seen my house knows i have enough stuff, and now to find something else i want to collect - exciting and tragic - like a tragic comedy? i dont think shakespeare would right about it though (although maybe he could) no, he didnt.

so i thought id share some exciting camera discoveries ive been oogling.

1. Split-Cam

found here

and the description is awesome too:  

"Imagine your boss with the head of a donkey, or your sister's legs on your brother's body. With the amazing Split-Cam, you can morph two photos together into all kinds of crazy combinations. Just use the crosshairs in the viewfinder and the lens-blocking sliders to line up two pictures that you want to be combined onto one print. You can even use it vertically to create the illusion of identical twins!"

2. The Lomo Spinner 360

that creates crazy panoramas like this: 

3. Diana F+ and Diana Mini

(both have super dreamy qualities similar to polaroids)

Diana F+                                             Diana Mini

the Diana Mini special edition is covered in clouds and says "love is in the air"

and takes pictures like this:

 





(omg while writing this post i discovered there is a Lomography store right here in LA  omg! i have to go!)

 4. And of course, Multi-Lense Cameras!!!

ActionSampler Chrome                                       and   Oktomat

That take rad pictures like these:

 

 

There is more cool stuff but im tired and ill save it for another post! 

gnight!!

hello there

hi

its time to have a personal chat... about Jonathan Davis.
yes, he is the lead singer of Korn
yes, im secretly in love with him

im not kidding, watching vids of him turns me on like crazy.  i know, everyone thinks im nuts, so lets examine:
is it is his scraggly hair? his glasses? his jacked up teeth?  its all of those plus the fact that he wears kilts, plays bagpipes, and has the most beautiful lips i have ever seen (i usually only see them on guys who turn out to be gay :( 

wow, that was a really personal chat

so go find a towel to sit on and watch this vid:
(i think watching too many videos of him makes me feel dirty)

ps, that was a secret!!

YayyYYyyY! (cant you tell im happy because of the varying sizes of Ys?)

Important news:  According to Tablespoon.com it is National Margarita Day

umm .. awesome!!!!  make sure you have one today

YAYYYYYYY

also, I went to the doctors today and guess what? the lump is benign!!!  soooo excited.  if i wasnt so sick i would totally go out and celebrate tonight

yayayayaya

so what would my perfect celebration be?

1.   awesome friends
2.   tasty drinks,  such as: Chocolate Cake Shot!!!! and margarita of course and...

  



3.   amazing food, such as:
sushi or tapas!!!

Lobster Roll from Shogun                     Bacon Dates from Viva Madrid

4.  and one of these amazing desserts

(via Bakergal)

(via DaintySquid)

5.  oh yea and i like other stuff besides eating! id prolly wanna dye my hair some crazy color that day while watching really terrible reality tv and listen to fun music. but if it was my celebration, id wanna hear mostly songs that i knew so that the drunker i got, i could sing along to them.  got to throw in a french song too since i can always convince myself that
6.  and spend the rest of the night dancing and laughing and being crazy loud
7.  oh and the late late late night part of it would include some type of adventure or quest!

Basically a fun, colorful, tasty day!




whats your perfect celebration?

Amazing rainbow hair

(via happinessis)

(via myhairisemo)

(via rainbowhair)

(via sodahead)

(via fill inn)