i feel like he doesnt want to talk to me anymore
i feel like hes done

i thought it was positive

i dunno all this is gonna be hard and i need support to get through it. if he cant support me with this i dont know if its worth going through.

i feel alone

I started a new site to keep track of my methods and findings for my Economic Impact Study:

www.economicimpactpomona.tumblr.com

so be in honor of being truthful on the internet heres my tribute to being truthful.

Colorful day

- love Whitney

addict

having anxiety and panic disorder makes me feel like an addict.  

its a monkey on my back that creates more harm than good

after a panic attack i get a tremendous high and sometimes when i feel anxiety i let a panic attack happen just to feel the relief of that high, even for a few minutes.  its like im floating

when i have a panic attack  after a long while i feel like ive fallen off the wagon, its a relapse.

we work on relapse prevention alot in group

group

like AA

talk

share our darkest times,

our darkest thoughts

and when it got the worst

it triggers the past

we fire

release our thoughts

it triggers something within

it hits that point you swore youd never touch

where you never wanted to visit

where you locked away and wouldnt admit it existed

it touched that place

and your body shook

it touched it and shook it and crushed it and broke it and 

it leaked out

and you cried

and i listened

and i cried

and we swore never to let it hurt again

we felt alone

we felt darkness

we felt lost in the dark

we didnt reach for a hand

we just felt lost together

that was enough

group

it was there, he was there, we were there

Peeps Forever

OMG best idea EVER!!!!!!

Peep S'mores!

yummmmm! 

  i cant wait to try them

Here are other peep creations to inspire you:

Peep Art, from Carroll County Arts Council

 :  omg this is really for real

Sweet Jesus

( Courtesy of the Carroll Community Arts Council )

Meet the Princess of Peeps.

Justin Peeper

Green Peeps?  ahahahaha

Jersey Peeps

the "Peeples"

Chick Magnet

and lastly one of my creations:

i made this for my dad a few years ago.. its the vietnam vet colors... 

what other creation can you make?

and one last image that i was super obsessed with in high school... i dunno i thought it was really funny

Happy Easter!

www.diddit.com?    hmm i have to investigate

...time passing....

and upon investigation this site totally sucks.. dont go to it

better days

so i got this holter moniter yesterday to track the skipped beats and other weird stuff i was feeling in my chest.  even though my panic is sever and i really think im having a heart attack at the time, i dont think there is anything structurally wrong with my heart... or at least i want to believe that.  i think im just overly sensitive to everything i feel in my body.  but either way my new doctor wants to be really thorough to make sure no one was overlooking a really problem.  after all, she was the doctor that discovered my mom had cancer - she was the first doctor in 4 months to read my moms entire chart.  so if she wants to give me a monitor just in case, im ok with it.   problem is, now it brings more attention to my heart and its activity.  bleh  .. and the people who gave it to me said i have to wear it for 30 days!! so long.. but hopefully ill just get used to it really fast and not even know its there!    the only thing that bugs me is i have a sticker up on my collar bone and everytime i move my head or arm it pulls on the sticker just a lil so i just feel it all the time.  i wish i could just rip it off!

and on a happier note, im feeling happier! hehe ive been looking up lots of crafts and seeing friends, even with panic attacks here and there and ive just been feeling waaaay better which is super exciting.

my new favorite website is   More Design Please

its the perfect combo of art, crafts, food and decor.. alll things i loooooovee!  so check it out!
hopefully ill try one of the craft things soon

oh and rememeber that colorful egg garland i posted a few days ago?  ive been slowly making it and hopefully will finish it and hang it up today.. wohooo!

-whit